Sometimes I just need to cry. Nothing particularly life altering has happened. I might have gone through heartbreak but it was so long ago. No, it was nothing that actually happened. But I still need to.
I just need to sit and think about myself about everyone else. Am I happy? Am I sad? No, I’m neither. I’m just me. And I just need to let the tears gather in my eyes and let my shoulders fall. I just need to put my head in my hands and just stay there.
I’m not sure why but I’m scared. Of something. Is it the future? I’m not sad. I’m just. Afraid of all these emotions.
Summer is a time of reflection. Alone time.
But I’m not sure if I’ve been alone for too long because maybe I’m over thinking about thinking. There are so many expectations for the coming year that I know I cannot meet. I’m so afraid that I won’t be the person I’ve tried to be.
I realise just how much I hate stopping and just looking at myself.
I have my insecurities and I tell my friends to relieve myself. But then I push forward, doing something to distract myself from the troubles.
There’s never a time when I do nothing but look at who I am as a person. I’m always reading or watching something or showering. My alone time, my free time. I spend it trying to avoid myself.
I’m so fearful of actually stopping and looking at who I am as a person. Summer is the worst. I wallow but still I avoid the hard stuff. I’d rather do nothing than think of myself. So that is what I do. Though my mind calls for my intellect to be tested, though my heart tells me that I need to slow down and let all the feelings catch up.
But there are just so many feelings and I’m so scared. Mostly I’m afraid for love.
Can I love others too much? Can I ever love myself enough?
I’m trying to be happy because there is nothing wrong with my life. But I’m just. Not.
I’m not sad. Maybe I’m confused. Maybe I’m so devoid of emotion. I don’t know. And it scares me. The future scares the heck out of me.
Will I graduate? Will I make it into varsity? Will it finally be my year? Will someone love me? Will I ever love me?
It’s so selfish that everything is about me. But I’ve so shallowly spent my time caring for everyone else that maybe I just need this. For me.
I don’t know. I’m so confused. What do I want in my life. Honestly, what? This is what I hate so much about summer.
I have so much time to think about myself. My wins, my losses. My never ending loss. Summer isn’t enough to replace all my innocence lost. But it’s enough to remember, reflect, regret.
And it just makes me scared for the future. I’m sad for things I’ve done, yes. But that’s not what I cry for. I cry for the uncertainty of everything.
I cry because maybe I just need to. I cry because I’m dramatic but I never give myself a chance to be.
I cry. Because for once in my life. I can register that I’m selfish. I’m so selfish and I’m looking at myself being selfish.
Am I unhappy with my selfishness? No. But I’m cautious. Because I fear myself and all my vulnerabilities.
This past year, I’ve been so afraid of everyone. But really I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid that I will always be weak and needy and selfish.
And I’m afraid nobody will ever love the girl I’m looking at.
Sometimes I just need to cry. I’m not happy or sad. I’m merely afraid of the girl I’ve become. I’m merely afraid of the girl I will become. I’m afraid of myself and everything that comes with me.
I already hate myself. I already fear that nobody will love me. What if I stop and suddenly realise just how much I don’t deserve the love I write about?
Love: The lack of. The soon to come. The unconditional.
I’m not an endless ball of energy. But I’m continuous. My mind is alert to the troubles of others. I need the distraction, any distraction. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the nothingness. I’m afraid my nothingness. I’m afraid that I will never be enough. For anyone.
And when I stop and look at myself, it makes me realise just how little worth I am.
That’s why I’m crying. I’m not sad. I’m simply afraid.